To be or not to be...

There are 3 types of goals: “to have” goals, “to do” goals, and “to be” goals. Since you’re reading this blog, I know you’re the sort of person who’s not just interested in achieving goals that relate to having (money and all the stuff you can buy with it) and doing (skills, experiences and achievements), you’re interested in goals that are about being as well.

“To be” goals are about who you are, your character development, your attitudes, and becoming more of the person you want to be - regardless of your tangible material circumstances or your skills and achievements. Most of society uses indicators such as material wealth and achievements to judge how successful people are. Society says, “The more you have and do, the more successful you are.” If we accept this definition of success, there’s the likelihood that we’ll become greedy, busy and stressed out, always feeling that we never have enough or do enough.

In a previous blog I wrote about how people think they want things and experiences, but we don’t want things and experiences, we want the way that we think those things and experiences will make us feel. The only reason our “to have” and “to do” goals are important to us is because of how we think we’ll feel when we have them. But we don’t have to wait until we have them - we can feel how we want to feel right now. Your “to be” goals are about how you want to think and feel in your life. “To be” goals are the easiest goals to achieve, and the only goals that we can keep forever... and they’re what we ultimately want when we're going after the “to have” and “to do” goals anyway. So why not take the short cut to what you really want, and focus on your “to be” goals? Here’s how:

1. Make a list of qualities you’d ideally like to be able to describe yourself with.

2. Make it tangible. One of the main reasons people don't set "to be" goals is because they're so fuzzy and intangible. Ask yourself, “How will I know that I’m being (confident/ generous/ respectful/ peaceful, etc)?”

3. Watch and listen. Look for examples of other people who are “being” the way you want to be. Notice what’s different about them. What lets you know that they’re being confident/ generous/ respectful/ peaceful, etc?

4. Hang out with other people who are being the way you want to be. Thoughts and feelings are contagious, so choose whose thoughts and feelings you want to catch. Nurture those new qualities you’re developing by hanging out with people who also value those qualities. If you’re wanting to develop a more positive outlook on life, you’ll do that more easily if you hang out with people who have a positive outlook on life than if you continue spending all your time with people who are negative and complaining all the time.

5. Create a clear picture of yourself, being the way you want to be. Ask yourself, “Who would I be, with those qualities?” Notice what’s different about the way you’d talk, the way you’d hold your posture, the way you’d interact with other people, what you’d be saying to yourself in your head. Write all of this down. Be as specific and detailed as possible.

6. Create a “to be” vision board. Look for pictures that represent the way you want to be. Think of metaphors that describe the qualities you want to be more of. Perhaps pictures of mountains and large, sturdy old trees might represent self-assurance, steadfastness and faith for you. Or perhaps you want to represent the quality of openness with an open flower that’s willing to be vulnerable, and knows that opening up is the only way to let others appreciate it’s full beauty. Add poetry or quotes that represent the way you want to be. Add pictures of some of the people who you feel epitomise those qualities that you want to develop in yourself.

7. Spend 10mins each day, relaxing and focusing on visualising the “to be” qualities on your vision board, and feeling how it feels to be that way, and then go out and BE.

Since Martha Beck is one of my Sheros who epitomises some of the qualities that are on my “to be” list (GENEROSITY, FAITH), I made sure not to miss her visit to Joburg, South Africa this week, where I had the pleasure of meeting Martha in person.

Martha chatted about her latest book, Steering By Starlight, which was released in SA last month. As always, she shared with us ideas that were inspiring, solidly based in research, and converted into practical tools that we can use to live an authentic and rich life. Core to her message was her encouragement to us all to, “Have the courage to be open - you’ll never hurt as much by being open as you do by being closed.” It reminded me of a quote by Anais Nin: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” In Steering By Starlight, Martha shares a powerful set of ideas and user-friendly tools for getting clear on the vision of the person you want to BE, understanding how to manage your own fear and limiting thoughts and the “change-back attacks” from others, how to open the gateway to your unconscious wisdom through dream analysis, and how to leverage painful life experiences, to transform yourself into being more of the person you want to be. A highly recommended read to support your "to be" goals.

I'll be happy when...

Michael is young, intelligent, attractive, and highly successful in his work as a financial advisor. He has the ever-expanding property portfolio, the beautiful home on a golf estate, the expensive German car, the yacht, and the gorgeous wife and 2.5 perfect little kids. Sounds fantastic, doesn’t it? “So what do you want to use coaching for?” I asked. Michael explained that what he’d really like to focus on was the creation of a 5yr financial plan that would enable him to be financially secure enough to quit his stressful job, start spending more time with his wife and kids, improve his golf, maybe even write a book.” “And what will that do for you?” I asked. “I won’t be stressed out anymore. I’ll be content. I’ll be happy when I’m financially secure enough to be able to start doing those things I’d love to do.”

As a life coach, I often hear the words, “I’ll be happy when...” This is usually followed by a list of material things that must be obtained, changes that have to be made to job tasks, responsibility or status, weight that must be lost, relationships that must be resolved, other people who must change and behave better, and of course money that must be made. We’ve been conditioned into deferring our happiness, by telling ourselves the story that things make us happy. This is supported by mass media, which is obviously keen to ensure that you keep spending your hard-earned money on the lipsticks, shoes, homeware, mobile phones, grand cars and even grander homes on offer. But the truth is that, just like Michael realised when I probed, people don’t want things - we want feelings. We want the feelings that we think those things will make us feel.

So I told Michael a story I’d heard some time ago, about a businessman who came across a fisherman, who was basking in the sun, on a beautiful beach, with his fishing rod propped up in the sand. The businessman noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and wondered why he was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. “You aren't going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman. “You should be working rather than lying on the beach!” The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will that get me?” “Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the businessman's answer. “And then what will that get me?” asked the fisherman. The businessman replied, “You’ll make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, so you can catch more fish.” “And then what will that get me?” asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. “Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let your employees catch fish for you!” Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will that get me?” The businessman was angry at the fisherman’s ignorance, and shouted at the fisherman, “Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you’ll never have to work for a living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!” The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what do you think I'm doing right now?”

Alot of people think that happiness is all about changing your external reality and getting your life to a place where you can have whatever you want. But what we really want are feelings - and we already have feelings, and the capacity to create all the feelings we want to feel. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that you should quit your job and start painting or surfing or reading cheap romance novels (or whatever makes you feel relaxed and happy) all day everyday instead. What I’m suggesting is that you can have happiness now already - while you continue to work towards changing your external reality. What I’m suggesting is that, contrary to popular opinion, our external reality doesn’t create out internal reality. If there’s any connection, it’s the other way around - our internal reality creates our external reality.

A key principle behind this “Law of Attraction” that everyone’s talking about is the idea that “thoughts become things,” and that, whatever we’re focusing on, we’re attracting into our lives. Emotions are the super-charger, so the more intense our emotions, the more powerfully the things we’re focusing on are drawn into our lives. Now, to be honest, I think the Law of Attraction is a load of hog-wash, wrapped in celebrity kitsch and mass media hype. But the problem I have is that it seems to work. Our internal reality really does seem to create our external reality. And, as a highly practical person, it goes against my grain to ignore something that works.

Now I’m no scientist, so I have no idea whether the “scientific” explanation that “like particles attract like particles” has any scientific basis. As far as I’m concerned, all the explanations of the Law of Attraction are just stories that may or may not be true. So here’s my story: We like what’s familiar. In fact, we like it so much that we do our best to repeat what’s familiar. So if you’re familiar with feeling financially insecure and thinking, “I don’t have enough,” you’re going to create more financial insecurity in your internal and external reality - just because we like what’s familiar. In fact, we like what’s familiar so much that, even when our external reality changes for the better, if we don’t change our thinking to align ourselves with our new external reality, we’ll end up changing our external reality back to the way it was before. In the USA, they found that most lottery winners were bankrupt within 5 years of winning the lottery. As a result, they now provide all lottery winners with a counseling program, to help them transform their thinking.

So how can you change your internal and external reality, and create more happiness and other great feelings in your life?

1. Start with feeling the way you want to feel. Feelings are what we want, so shortcut your external reality and go straight to the feelings. If you’re unsure how you want to feel, then think of the things you want, and ask yourself, “And what will that get me?” repeatedly, until you get to the feelings you want. Get familiar with the way you want to feel. Practice generating the feelings you want, rather than telling yourself that you can only feel the way you want to feel when something changes in your external reality. There are many ways you can generate feelings. Here are a few to start with:

• Remember a time when you felt the way you want to feel now. Choose a specific moment, a specific context or specific interaction with someone. Go there mentally now, and re-experience the event as though it’s happening right now. Ask yourself, “What am I seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, tasting... and what am I feeling? You’ll notice that you can generate those feelings now just be remembering and re-experiencing the event.

• Imagine some of your specific goal/s having been achieved. Create a clear visualisation of the outcome, including as much detail as possible. Go there mentally now, and experience the event as though it’s happening right now. Remember to include all the sensory-specific detail. Notice how you can feel now the way you’ll feel when you’ve achieved those goals.

2. Once you’re feeling the way you want to feel, continue working on changing your reality to bring it in line with the things you want to manifest in your life. Create a really clear, specific and compelling visualisation of the way your life will be, when you’ve changed your external reality. Repeat this visualisation in your mind on a regular basis, in order to get familiar with your new life as it will be. Get so familiar with your new life, that it becomes more familiar than your current reality, and you’ll find that you can’t stop yourself from “repeating” in your external reality what you’ve been visualising in your internal reality.

3. Keep a gratitude journal. Gratitude journals are a great way to remind yourself to focus on feelings instead of things, and gratitude is just a fantastic feeling to feel. Let your gratitude journal remind you that “Happiness isn’t having what you want, but wanting what you have.”

Michael seemed to have it all. But he could have so much more if he realises that he doesn’t have to defer his happiness while he works on changing his reality - he can create all of the feelings he wants, now.

What experience have you had with changing your internal reality? And how did it turn out for you?