Hassle-free Life Coaching

There are many myths about life coaching - no doubt a result of the rapid growth and lack of regulation in the industry worldwide. While I can't speak for other life coaches, I like to help people understand what I do, and how I do it. I've noticed that people often think that Life Coaching is about helping people set goals, and create a plan to get their goals, and then holding them accountable to their weekly action plan, with the emphasis of the ongoing relationship being on "accountability conversations", which go something like:

Coach: "Did you do your agreed tasks for this week?"
Coachee: "Well... sort of... I mean I started to do it, but we had a crisis I had to sort out instead."
Coach: "Remember that success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration! You've gotta be committed! Winners never quit and quitters never win! (or some other proverbs and quotes aimed to inspire motivation, delivered with zest and enthusiasm, and sealed with a growl and a high five)

I'm just not into that. I don't like the idea of striving towards goals. I get that sometimes having someone to have regular conversations with, about your goals, can be a very useful way to keep yourself focused on the action you've committed yourself to, as part of your goal plan. And if that's all you need, then here's a fantastic way to hassle yourself into remembering your commitments (let me know when they start nagyourhusband.co.uk!) My experience is that the reasons we lose momentum and motivation, and don't follow through on our action plans have less to do with poor memory, and more to do with inner conflicts about what's important to us (and why it's important to us), and limiting beliefs about what's possible for us and what we deserve - and that's where I love to help people do their change work!

If you're not being successful in being the person you want to be, it's probably because of one of two reasons:
1.) You haven't really decided what/ who you REALLY want to be. Perhaps you've spent alot of time paying attention to what other people want from you, and adapting accordingly, and find that, in the absence of other people's demands, you feel a bit lost and aren't sure what to do. So you stay stuck in reactive mode, doing only what's demanded of you and never getting to the more proactive tasks. Perhaps you have a strong sense of what you should do (with lots of rational explanations why that's a great idea), but the things you think you should do don't thrill you, and you're a bit anxious about finding out what would genuinely thrill you.
2.) You're in your own way. Maybe you know what you want, but you're terrified of making it happen (or trying to make it happen and failing). The fear is just too big, and the obstacles you'll have to overcome seem greater than the rewards of having what you want. Every step you try to take is paralysed by fear. Or deep-down, you think you can't do it, or that you don't deserve to have the life you really want.

All of the self-coaching tools I share are designed to help you with these two things: getting clear on what you want, and getting out of your own way. And my ultimate interest is in teaching you how to coach yourself, and how to thrive towards your goals - and that means getting there without inner turmoil, self-flagellation, guilt and frustration.

To be or not to be...

There are 3 types of goals: “to have” goals, “to do” goals, and “to be” goals. Since you’re reading this blog, I know you’re the sort of person who’s not just interested in achieving goals that relate to having (money and all the stuff you can buy with it) and doing (skills, experiences and achievements), you’re interested in goals that are about being as well.

“To be” goals are about who you are, your character development, your attitudes, and becoming more of the person you want to be - regardless of your tangible material circumstances or your skills and achievements. Most of society uses indicators such as material wealth and achievements to judge how successful people are. Society says, “The more you have and do, the more successful you are.” If we accept this definition of success, there’s the likelihood that we’ll become greedy, busy and stressed out, always feeling that we never have enough or do enough.

In a previous blog I wrote about how people think they want things and experiences, but we don’t want things and experiences, we want the way that we think those things and experiences will make us feel. The only reason our “to have” and “to do” goals are important to us is because of how we think we’ll feel when we have them. But we don’t have to wait until we have them - we can feel how we want to feel right now. Your “to be” goals are about how you want to think and feel in your life. “To be” goals are the easiest goals to achieve, and the only goals that we can keep forever... and they’re what we ultimately want when we're going after the “to have” and “to do” goals anyway. So why not take the short cut to what you really want, and focus on your “to be” goals? Here’s how:

1. Make a list of qualities you’d ideally like to be able to describe yourself with.

2. Make it tangible. One of the main reasons people don't set "to be" goals is because they're so fuzzy and intangible. Ask yourself, “How will I know that I’m being (confident/ generous/ respectful/ peaceful, etc)?”

3. Watch and listen. Look for examples of other people who are “being” the way you want to be. Notice what’s different about them. What lets you know that they’re being confident/ generous/ respectful/ peaceful, etc?

4. Hang out with other people who are being the way you want to be. Thoughts and feelings are contagious, so choose whose thoughts and feelings you want to catch. Nurture those new qualities you’re developing by hanging out with people who also value those qualities. If you’re wanting to develop a more positive outlook on life, you’ll do that more easily if you hang out with people who have a positive outlook on life than if you continue spending all your time with people who are negative and complaining all the time.

5. Create a clear picture of yourself, being the way you want to be. Ask yourself, “Who would I be, with those qualities?” Notice what’s different about the way you’d talk, the way you’d hold your posture, the way you’d interact with other people, what you’d be saying to yourself in your head. Write all of this down. Be as specific and detailed as possible.

6. Create a “to be” vision board. Look for pictures that represent the way you want to be. Think of metaphors that describe the qualities you want to be more of. Perhaps pictures of mountains and large, sturdy old trees might represent self-assurance, steadfastness and faith for you. Or perhaps you want to represent the quality of openness with an open flower that’s willing to be vulnerable, and knows that opening up is the only way to let others appreciate it’s full beauty. Add poetry or quotes that represent the way you want to be. Add pictures of some of the people who you feel epitomise those qualities that you want to develop in yourself.

7. Spend 10mins each day, relaxing and focusing on visualising the “to be” qualities on your vision board, and feeling how it feels to be that way, and then go out and BE.

Since Martha Beck is one of my Sheros who epitomises some of the qualities that are on my “to be” list (GENEROSITY, FAITH), I made sure not to miss her visit to Joburg, South Africa this week, where I had the pleasure of meeting Martha in person.

Martha chatted about her latest book, Steering By Starlight, which was released in SA last month. As always, she shared with us ideas that were inspiring, solidly based in research, and converted into practical tools that we can use to live an authentic and rich life. Core to her message was her encouragement to us all to, “Have the courage to be open - you’ll never hurt as much by being open as you do by being closed.” It reminded me of a quote by Anais Nin: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” In Steering By Starlight, Martha shares a powerful set of ideas and user-friendly tools for getting clear on the vision of the person you want to BE, understanding how to manage your own fear and limiting thoughts and the “change-back attacks” from others, how to open the gateway to your unconscious wisdom through dream analysis, and how to leverage painful life experiences, to transform yourself into being more of the person you want to be. A highly recommended read to support your "to be" goals.

Thank goodness, it's another obstacle!

You know, some days I just really feel like giving up. In fact (just between you and me), most days I feel like that, sometimes for just a moment, sometimes for much of the day. You know those times when the obstacles just seem so big and complex, and impossible to overcome. And you start to wonder why you chose to do something so difficult anyway. And it’s warm, safe and simple under your duvet and cold, unpredictable and nasty outside...

Yes, I know I’m not supposed to say that. Life coaches are supposed to have endless energy, enthusiasm, and optimism, and have permanently purged their vocabulary of words like, “can’t” and “quit.” Yeah right. That would be easy, if it weren’t for my curiosity about the things in life that are below the surface and often difficult to understand, or my appetite for big goals and pushing my own boundaries, or that compelling feeling of exhiliration that comes from finding out that you can do something you previously thought you could never do.

You see, just like with your work and personal goals, my goals would be really easy to achieve... if it weren’t for all the unpredictable obstacles that, frustratingly, keep cropping up. Wouldn’t it be nice if, for once, we could just go about creating what we want in our lives, without any interference or resistance - if all the difficult parts could be removed. I mean, imagine if it could be easy to run a marathon - no muscle cramping, no knee injuries, no blisters, no hills. Or if it could be really easy to get washboard abs without a tough exercise regime or a careful diet. Or if we could make our jobs easy by getting rid of all of the difficult and unpredictable things (like the prospects, the customers, our managers, our colleagues, our systems, our economy...) Wouldn’t your life be amazing then?

No, it wouldn’t be amazing at all. It would be just average. Because, if it was easy to run a marathon, everybody would. And if it could be easy to have washboard abs, then everybody would have washboard abs. And if there was a job that had no problems to solve, then anybody could do it. And if anybody could do it, then you’d be easily replaceable, and your skills, talents and abilities wouldn’t be recognised or valued highly. And that means that people won’t pay much for what you’re offering. The fact that your job or your personal goals are difficult and unpredictable works to your advantage. The greater the obstacles between you and the goals you’re going after, the more likely that other people pursuing those same goals will drop out, and the fewer competitors you’ll have. This gives you a greater chance of being the best at what you do. And those that are the best tend to enjoy significantly greater rewards for being at the top. As international marketing guru, Seth Godin says (in his book, “The Dip”), “Obstacles create scarcity and scarcity creates value.”

Ruben Gonzalez is a man who fully understood this principle. He’d always wanted to be an Olympic athlete. But he had a few significant obstacles in the way of his dream. For starters, he wasn’t a great athlete, and, at 21 years old, he hadn’t even chosen his sport yet. Not to be deterred, Gonzalez realised that, the tougher the sport, the fewer competitors he’d have, and the greater his chances of realising his Olympic dream. So Gonzalez researched the Olympic sports and chose the most grueling sport he could find, the sport with the greatest number of broken bones and the highest number of quitters. He settled on the luge - a winter sport that involves hurtling down an ice track on a sled, at 140km per hour. Just four years later, Gonzalez made it to the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics, and went on to become a “three-time Olympian”, competing in Albertville in 1992 and Salt Lake City in 2000.

So here’s some of the ideas I’ll be using to pull myself out from under the duvet and motivate myself to keep cracking on:

1. Ask yourself, “If this was easy, would I want it this much?” Part of the thrill of achieving big goals is in knowing that you faced and overcame hardships that most other people shy away from. The level of difficulty increases the level of fulfillment in achieving your goals. If you’re not that excited about your life and the things you’re investing time and energy in, perhaps it’s too easy. Set more challenging goals.

2. Increase your perceived value to others by setting stretch goals. If you’re doing what everyone else is doing, the way everyone else is doing it, then anybody can do it instead of you. Your manager, your customers, your friends, your lover will all value you more (and invest more time/ energy/ money to keep you around), if you’re offering something more remarkable than anybody else can offer them.

3. Hope for more and bigger obstacles. The next time you’re not sure how much longer you can go on, and you’re facing up to a seemingly insurmountable obstacle, remind yourself that your competitors are probably facing the same obstacles. The greater the obstacle, the more excited you should be. Because then the chances are greater that your competitors are dropping like flies... opening the way for you to get to the top, where the rewards are abundant.

What's your perspective on obstacles? What else do you do to sustain your energy, and to overcome obstacles?

How to learn anything, easily

If you’re anything like me, you’re probably very familiar with what I call “goal-setter’s remorse.” Just like with buyer’s remorse after a big purchase, doubt often sets in after the initial excitement when you set a big goal. Sure, you’ve thought it through rationally, you know it’s going to be a challenge but you’re setting out with positive expectancy and enthusiasm. I mean, “how hard can it really be?”

So you buy the shiny motorbike, sign up for riding lessons, and splurge on a sassy bike jacket. You arrive for your bike lessons, looking like a seasoned biker, and you can even talk some of the lingo. You’re thinking, “I’m a natural - this is going to be a breeze.” And then you get on a bike... It’s a lot heavier than expected and it won’t move when you try to push it. Maybe they have a smaller one. You look around. Nope, yours is the smallest. You wonder if maybe the brakes are on. So where are the brakes, then? Two levers up front at the handle bars, two at the foot pegs... maybe this thing has a hand-brake? You breathe a sigh of relief when the instructor comes around to explain the different levers - this should clear it up. As he explains the procedure for starting the bike and moving off, he’s pointing to all the different levers and all you’re hearing is “blah, blah, blah, blah.” He patiently explains it again and asks you to give it a go for yourself. You turn the bike on, and randomly pull at the different levers. You’re aware of the instructor shouting, but all you hear is “blah, blah, blah”, so you try tugging again and then remember to push down with your left foot. The bike shudders and jerks forward. You get a fright, scream and jump off, dropping the bike to the ground. That’s when “goal-setters remorse” starts to set in. “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea...”

The remorse grows as you learn the basics of your new venture, and it slowly dawns on you that this is much more complicated than you expected - there’s a lot to learn. Now that you think about it, it’s almost overwhelming how much you’ll have to learn.

Five weeks down and you’re still clumsily fumbling through each of the basic skills. Surely you should have mastered them by now? You have to practice over and over again. You bounce between boredom and frustration. This is not the fun, freedom and exhilaration you had in mind when you decided to become a biker chick.

Sound familiar? It might be a new hobby, or it might be new responsibilities at work. It doesn’t matter what the new skills are that you’ve set out to learn, “goal-setters remorse” is a universal experience - especially when you set yourself challenging goals.

Educational psychologists have studied the way we learn and found that there are 4 stages of learning that we all go through when learning a new skill. When you understand what to expect at each learning stage, you’ll find that you feel more confident, enjoy the learning process, accelerate your learning, and get to your goal more quickly.

Stage 1: Ignorance is bliss. When you first sign up for bike lessons, decide to start your own online business, accept your new job, or set out to travel across the Atlantic in a hot air balloon, you don’t know what you don’t know. This is probably a good thing, because you might never have set that goal if you actually knew how much you’d have to learn! Even though ignorance is the basis for the feeling of elation and invincibility in this stage, it’s great to feel that way, and it gets us fired up to challenge ourselves and learn new things.

Stage 2: The truth hurts. All of the theoretical preparation and analysis in the world is often still not enough to prepare you for the actual experience of going after your goal. It’s often only once you start taking action that you’re able to get accurate feedback... and the gaping holes inyour business plan or hot air balloon start becoming obvious. Stage two starts the moment you start realising how much you don’t know. This can be a gut-wrenching and painful experience that feels particularly bad after the emotional high of stage 1. It takes courage to do an honest self-evaluation and to face up to less than complimentary feedback. But, as bad as it might feel, stage two is a crucial step forward that allows you to get clear on what you need to work on, to master your goal.

Stage 3: Practice makes perfect. These days it’s easy to find information and tips about learning just about any new skill. We move into stage 3 when we know what we need to do and we start taking action to master those specific new skills. Stage 3 is when you’ve found out how to create and manage that spreadsheet that tracks your team’s productivity against their targets and, if you think it through carefully, you can do it. It’s hard work and slow-going, and you might have to break the skill down into smaller mini-skills and steps, but you’re getting there. There’s no short cut or “quick fix” to get to your goal of doing the skill easily and effortlessly. This is where most people drop out, because they lack patience and determination. Which means that it’s easy for you to get ahead, if you just stick at it.

Stage 4: Easy does it. With repetition and practice, practice, practice, those new skills eventually become easy, natural and even automatic. Stage 4 is what we had in mind when we set our goal and imagined getting it. We feel competent and confident and all that hard work not only seems worthwhile, but it has the effect of inflating our sense of accomplishment. We sigh in relief and consider getting out our super-hero suits again.
The fact that you can read this means that you already know how to progress through the stages of learning. You’ve used this model to learn ever since you were born. You learned how to walk, talk, eat and many other much more sophisticated skills - all without even attending any conferences or training programs!

And the best part about the stages of learning is that you can use the model itself to get better at using the model. Everytime you learn something new, you get better at learning, and you’ll find that you get more and more comfortable with stages 2 and 3, until you find every stage enjoyable in itself.

When you love learning, you can probably learn anything. And then your potential is limitless. Eartha Kitt said, “I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma.”

Re-view 2007, Pre-view 2008 (Written Jan 2008)

Well, 1 January 2008 is only several days history and many people have already broken, discarded or forgotten their new year’s resolutions by now.

One of the main reasons why new years resolutions have notoriously poor results is that most people decide on new years wishes, rather than goals, and they leave out some of the most important steps in the goal setting process.

Wishes or “dream lists” are an important part of getting in touch with your imagination and generating exciting ideas for goals, but they lack the strong foundations of an honest review of your current situation, and the clear blue prints for action that are created when you follow the goal setting process. As a result, new years wishes fall away as soon as the smallest obstacle challenges your motivation.

Goal setting is all about getting from where you are to where you want to be. In order to create the plan to get from where you are to where you want to be, you need to start with evaluating where you are in each area of your life right now.

An accurate evaluation of your reality is the foundation for a realistic and achievable goal plan. Unfortunately, because of habitual thinking patterns that act as filters, our perception often differs from our reality. Sometimes the information we delete when we evaluate ourselves is the positive information about the awesome things we’ve accomplished, the great ideas we’ve had, the positive feedback we’ve received, and the difficulties we’ve survived. Filtering out positive feedback results in a lack of confidence, smaller goals, and feeling more fearful.

The other type of information that is often deleted is the negative feedback we’re getting, signs that what we’re doing is not working, or that an obstacle or threat exists. It’s said that humans have two main fears, from which all other fears are derived - fear of rejection and fear of failure. We’re programmed to avoid the pain of rejection or failure, and one way of avoiding that pain (at least temporarily) is by filtering our perception of reality and seeing only what we want to see. It’s the good old “ostrich-with-his-head-in-the-sand” syndrome, where he tells himself, “If I can’t see it, it’s not there.” As the picture above illustrates, this can be a very dangerous strategy!

It’s only when we have the courage to evaluate ourselves and our results accurately, including both the positive and negative feedback, that we give ourselves the opportunity to learn, to adapt and to improve, and to approach the existing challenges, obstacles and threats with confidence and resourcefulness.

John Maxwell, in his book, “Failing Forward”, says that the main difference between average people and highly successful people is their perception of and response to failure. Most people fear failure and respond by blaming others, repeating the same mistakes, being limited by past mistakes, saying to themselves, “I am a failure”, quitting and then either expecting to always fail or holding onto the delusion that they’ll never fail again.

People who are successful view failure as crucial feedback in their progress towards their goal. As a result, they watch and listen well, they actively seek feedback, and they get more accurate information about what’s working and what’s not working. Using all this feedback, they learn and improve with every mistake, they’re able to maintain a positive attitude when something hasn’t worked out as well as they’d hoped, they continue to have the courage to take new risks and to persevere, and they accept that failure is a normal part of any progress and don’t let setbacks shake their self-worth or their belief in their vision. Successful people believe that there’s no such thing as failure - there’s only feedback. Leverage the feedback and you’ll increase your success.

So this year, skip the new years resolutions and choose to set goals instead. Start with reviewing 2007, and then have the audacity to pre-view 2008’s forthcoming attractions as follows:

1. Brainstorm what went well for you in 2007. What worked well? What positive results did you create? What are you especially proud of? What did you learn or master in 2007? What are you feeling really grateful for?
2. Brainstorm what didn’t work so well in 2007. What negative feedback or results did you notice? What are you not feeling good about? What are you worried about? What do you want to leave behind in 2008?
3. Brainstorm your dreams and desires for each area of your life. What would you like to change? What do you want to have, do or be in 2008? What ideas get you really excited?
4. Create a list of goals for 2008. Drawing on list 3, decide which are your most important changes to make and what you think you can realistically tackle this year. Then write specific goals with deadlines, create a clear plan to achieve each of those goals, and start taking action. Happy 2008!